Sometimes life has a way of reminding us we are human. Mistakes happen, setbacks, disappointments, loss, grief, failure or unfairness. In 20 plus years of helping people, I have seen it all; burnouts, bankruptcies, redundancies, break ups, unfair dismissals, deaths, terminal illness, suicide, imprisonments and the list goes on.
Eventually, it happens to us all, life doesn’t go as we planned. Suffering in one shape or form is all our common human experience. But what do we do when life doesn’t go according to plan? Is there a roadmap to help us get back on track and bring back a sense of peace and equilibrium to our lives?
While each of our experiences and personalities is unique I would like to suggest 5 keys to help navigate tough times.
1.Know this season will not last
If we picture our life like a story being written, then we can picture the present season as merely a chapter of the book, with the best bits still to be written. We as authors still can determine the heroes journey and how the story unfolds. We might not be able to change the circumstances but we can determine our response.The best stories have a struggle, suffering, obstacles in the way of the hero before they overcome and triumph. You will come through this chapter, yes it might scar you, change you and hurt like nothing else you experience but it can also transform you.
“If you are going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill
2.Be vulnerable
In the business world vulnerability is not a trait that we often see as a strength but it is a mature human response and vital in times of pain. Most don’t deserve to know or for that matter want to know, so don’t go posting it on Facebook, but the trusted few do. Tell others you explicitly trust what you are experiencing. In sharing our current experience it allows others to come to our aid and the act of being vulnerable allows the journey of transformation to begin in our hearts and minds.
3.Go easy on yourself
Give yourself time to heal and to process what has occurred. This is not a time to ‘tough it out’, ‘present a stiff upper lip’ or ‘man up’, or ‘hold it together’. It will take time to come through trauma, you can’t rush it.
The Greeks had two concepts of time, ‘Chronos time’ and ‘Kairos time’. ‘Chronos’ is where we get the idea of chronologically, it is ordered time, something measurable. We are used to measuring our lives in hours and expect things to happen quickly. “Why does this still hurt?” You might feel a sense of guilt that this still has a hold on you, effects you. The problem is your thinking is ‘Chronos time’. ‘Kairos time’ is about the ‘right time’. It’s the time when the Greek gods intervened. It has a mysterious and not easily quantifiable element
to it. Not good for those of us who like to measure results and have spreadsheets but the Greeks were on to something. Sometimes things change when the time is right. You can’t make it happen, you can’t control it, you simply have to be patient in your suffering and
pain until the time is right. There will come a time when things will come back into focus and a sense of equilibrium will come again.
4.Face the pain and feel the pain
Don’t cover it up, don’t avoid it, don’t run from it, face it. Don’t try to rush from this place just because of the unbearable feelings it dredges up. Allow yourself to feel the full reality of what has occurred. Survey the boundaries of what has just happened and be courageous enough to face it and feel it. Don’t affirm your way our of it, deny it or ignore it. Just let yourself feel the grief, the loss, despair, anger, disappointment or whatever combination of emotional cocktail that is your current reality. Drink its dregs. Feel and face is two key elements of emotional healing.
When you honestly face the reality of your situation, only then can you move on to ‘what can be’. Facing ‘what is’ allows you to move forward into what ‘could be’.
Too many want to move on to what is next, before processing what has just happened.
Trauma has a funny way of revisiting in various guises unless we deal with. If need be, seek out professional help, there is no stigma in seeing a therapist and their skill can help you navigate the journey in healthy ways.
5.Learn from the experience
Pleasure and success are often terrible teachers, suffering, and pain, however, can be teachers that transform our humanity like nothing else but only if we are prepared to learn the lessons they bring.
I think of the sufferings of Nelson Mandela and how it shaped the character of a statesman free from bitterness. Frederich Nietzsche the German Philosopher saw the importance of finding meaning in suffering and saw that it could make people stronger. Viktor E. Frankl from his experiences in a German concentration camp saw that humanity could endure incredible suffering and deprivation as long as they were able to see purpose and meaning in the midst of their situation.
“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” Viktor E. Frankl.
Suffering has a way of refocusing us on what is really important in life. It reveals our false selves, our egos, pride and all manner of things that hide us from our true and essential selves. We can become more empathetic, self-aware and aware of the needs of others. We can learn wisdom, become more creative and in the midst of our misery new mission can be born.
© 2019 G M Brock
