One critical skill that leaders and business owners need to learn to do well is the ability to have courageous conversations.
The conversation matters because the work is important, how you have the conversation matters, because of the worth of the person.
Leadership is a lot like being a gardener, and the work we do is a lot like a garden. The mission of the gardener if you like is to ensure the garden is as beautiful and fruitful as it can be.
Good leaders take the raw materials at their disposal and seek to transform them into something extraordinary.
Gardening like leadership requires hard work, design, planning, strategy, structure and of course, the right tools and knowledge.
Pleasant gardens do not happen by chance. The natural state of the garden is chaos and weeds and if left untended resorts to that state relatively quickly.
The Management guru Peter Drucker stated this well;
“Only three things happen naturally in organisations; friction, confusion and underperformance, everything else takes leadership.”
Workplaces are a lot like gardens. They need the intentionality and care of a good gardener.
Good gardeners keep on top of the weeds. Gardners realise that if they do not regularly weed the garden, the garden soon gets overrun with weeds. A garden full of weeds affects the gardens ability to be fruitful and ensures more work in the long run for the gardener.
Good leaders address issues as soon as practicably possible. They do not let the problems go unattended.
Some leaders avoid the weeds in the early stages. There may be many reasons for this; it might be because of fear and the desire to avoid conflict. It might be because they lack clarity as to the weight of the issue and so they think it best to err on the side of caution. Or it might be something they put in the too hard basket.
The problem with the avoidance strategy is, it does not work. It makes things worse. Ignoring the weeds only allows them to grow.
Other leaders deal with things quickly. They have the courage and address performance issues as soon as they come up. However, they may overreact or be somewhat brutal in their delivery.
These leaders realise performance issues need to be addressed quickly but lack the skill and tools to do it well.
So ignoring the weeds is not an option, nor is being hasty and over-enthusiastic in our weeding attempts.
The wise gardener realises there will always be some weeds in the garden. They recognise it is the very nature of the garden. Good leaders don’t look for perfection; they look for progression.
The wise gardener is timely in addressing the weeds, and they are intentional in their approach.
So how should a leader address the weeds? How should they approach courageous conversations?
Let me share one standard model and five typical approaches that many leaders use. I will describe them and the problems associated with each one and the lasting result it can have.Lastly, I will offer a model I have devised which is practical and straightforward.
First, the model. ‘The Sandwich Technique’.
One of the standard techniques used by many is the ‘sandwich technique’. The model has been in the people helping space for decades, and managers, coaches, therapists and parents use it.
It has a few basic variations but goes something like this;
The first layer of bread
Say something positive – Show empathy, appreciation, warmth, praise.
Sandwich Filling
Tell them what the performance issue is, how it is affecting you or the business and what you would like them to do about it.
The top layer of bread
Leave them with a warm fuzzy, empathy and encouragement.
There are several problems with this model. The first is it doesn’t work that well.
Techniques often don’t work whether they be in sales or leadership and generally not with people. People can feel manipulated with this technique and will only hear the critique and not the praise. The empathy and praise parts of the sandwich can also come across as insincere and thus lessen their respect for you as a manager.
The other issue with this technique is it can confuse the issue. The person leaves the conversation somewhat confused. “Am I being praised? Am I being reprimanded? Is this person for me or against me?” It can raise more issues than what it seeks to solve.
The result of this technique is a loss of trust.
Let’s look now at five different styles leaders might take with courageous conversations.
The first one, I will call the “You first approach”. In this approach, the leader asks the subordinate how they think they are going? Or how they felt about the issue at hand? While it is essential to seek to understand another person’s position, when this is the starting point, a person will often get defensive, deny, blame, justify or minimise. These are all human ways of responding when we feel we are under attack.
This method makes it all the harder for the leader in addressing the issue. Now they have to try and fight their way through the defensive positions to get the message through.
The result of this style is defensiveness.
The second method is what I call the “wiffle waffle approach”. It is somewhat ad-hoc in style and often involves a long chat, skirting around the real issues, lack of clarity as to what needs to change and copious amounts of chat. It leaves all participants unsure what the point of the conversation was.
The result is confusion.
A third typical approach is a leader who makes it personal. We will call this the “Personal attack approach.” Rather than address the problem, they confuse the issue by making the person the problem. The person’s competency, character or personality are brought into question. This approach leaves the issue unaddressed and dehumanises the person.
The result of this style is shame.
The fourth style is what I call the “comforter style”. This leader is often high on mercy, hates confrontation and wants peace at all costs. In their desire to not offend or hurt the person, they praise them and empathise with them so much the person leaves the conversation thinking there is nothing wrong at all.
This leader uses only two parts of the sandwich technique, all loaf and no filling. It is almost comedic. The person in this scenario can leave the meeting thinking they are about to be promoted or given a raise, and the leader thinking they have done a great job in addressing the issue.
The result of this style is confusion.
The fifth and final method that some leaders use is what I call the “bullish technique”. Like bulls on heat, they rush into the situation full of bluster and aggression. They deliver the message with brutal force and intensity. The recipient has no confusion as to what the issue is. Or what they need to do to change; however, the style of delivery does potential damage to the receiver and harms the relationship.
The result of this style is resentment.
Let me offer an alternate model that many of those I have taught and coached have found practical and straightforward.
The model I have devised is called the “ICE model.”
Think of a big block of ice whenever you need to have a courageous conversation, and it will remind you of this model.
I – Intent
The intent is about your inner motives for the conversation. As a good leader, the purpose of your leadership is twofold. To care passionately about your work and to care pastorally for your team. The intent for your work drives you to have challenging conversations as the work and mission matters. You do not have the luxury of leaving it unaddressed or ignoring it. Secondly, because you care for your team and those who work for you, you want their dignity kept, you want them to flourish and want the best for them.
The leader has the conversation because the work matters. How they have the conversation also matters because of the person.
If you do not have this as your intent and heart motivate then whatever you do will not land as well as you had hoped. This motive is the bedrock of this model and should be the bedrock for any leader and business owner.
It works best when the culture you have built or is building is one of trust and where openness has become the norm.
As a leader, your words should carry weight because you praise good work, want the best for your team and set achievable standards. You do not use words as devices to flatter, manipulate or intimidate. You do not play games, withhold essential information or are flippant with your words. In other words, your words hold weight because you use them well. You are trusted because you care for your team and the work.
C – Clear & Concise
Do not do this off the cuff or in an ad-hoc way. You are not that good. You will end up defaulting to one of the five styles mentioned above or at best, saying too much.
Get a piece of paper or a card and get crystal clear as to what the actual issue is. Write it out in a sentence or two. Then write another sentence as to why it is an issue.
Finally, write a sentence of your expectations and next steps. Keep it short and straightforward.
When you have the conversation, this will keep you on point and keep it concise. Keep to the subject. Do not raise past matters; do not make it personal; do not beautify it, do not soften it. Deliver the issue matter of factly. Like a postal worker delivering the mail deliver the content without fuss. Their response is not your concern. Your responsibility as a leader is to give it.
Of course, as a good leader, you will have good EQ and the ability to empathise, but you will not use this as a technique, nor will you soften what needs to be said. Your empathy in times like this is best to be non-reactive-empathy. The ability to sit with the person, deliver the message and not rescue them from the effects of the content.
As a good leader, you will, of course, care for them, understand what it is like to be in their shoes. You will do what you can in your leadership capacity to help them move on from this where appropriate.
E – Emotion
Most of us do not find courageous conversations pleasant. It is why they named ‘courageous conversations’ because they take courage. It is also why some prefer to use the term ‘crucial conversations’.
It is imperative to deal with your own emotions in this.
Dealing with your emotional state ensures they do not cloud the message nor interfere with the delivery.
Being calm also defuses heat. If the recipient reacts, you remain calm. Calmness defuses anger.
Remember the word image, be cool as ICE, not cold, but cool under pressure. Deliver it without passion, be clear, be concise and stay calm.
The act of clarifying the issue on a piece of paper will help you look at it objectively. It also means you have a cooling-off period if needs be between the incident and the conversation.
Courageous conversations are never easy, and the outcomes never assured. However, if you follow this model by having good intentions, are clear on the issue, concise in the delivery and are able to remain calm throughout the process, you give yourself the best chance for good outcomes.
Note: Here is a small challenge. Many of us read and don’t apply. I want to encourage you to have a bias toward action. Step 1 – Think of a courageous conversation that you need to have in the next week. Step 2 – Follow my ICE model. Step 3 – Have the conversation. Step 4 – Let me know how the model worked for you at [email protected]
Step 5 – Share my article with others you think it might help.
G. M Brock © 2020
Graeme M. Brock is Director of Just Leadership a New Zealand based leadership development company which offers bespoke leadership training solutions and consultancy for organisations and executive coaching for individuals. justleadership.co.nz
